samedi 6 juin 2009

Ode aux John

Ce dernier Terminator m'a fait réaliser à quel point John est un prénom badass. Je m'en étais déjà rendu compte quand j'étais kid, mais je l'avais oublié. Et là, ça me revient.

John Connor

Il a été joué successivement par Edward Furlong, Nick Stahl, je sais pas qui dans les Sarah Connor Chronicles que je n'ai jamais regardé, le dude à la face balafré qu'on voit brièvement au début de T2 et Christian "je suis pris pour toujours avec la voix de Batman" Bale. Mais j'affectionnerai toujours la version de Furlong. J'étais jeune quand le film est sorti. Les petites filles trippaient sur Connor parce qu'il était beau. Les gars auraient aimé avoir sa moto et son habileté à frauder les guichets automatiques pour aller jouer aux arcades. Easy money! Moi, personnellement, je l'enviais parce que son meilleur ami était roux et avait une méchante coupe longueuil. Faut être badass en maudit pour ce tenir avec un gars de même.


John Locke

Le seul John de ma gang qui ne sort pas du cinéma, mais il mérite sa place. Le gars survit à une chute de 8 étages causée par son propre père, retrouve l'usage de ses jambes, chasse, concocte des potions hallucinogènes, ne veut rien savoir de quitter l'île et en plus il a un nom de philosophe. Jack et Sawyer peuvent aller se rhabiller, John Locke is The Man! Ça serait écoeurant qu'il baise Kate devant les deux autres juste pour leur montrer c'est quoi, un vrai badass!

John Rambo

Qu'est-ce qui n'a pas été dit sur Rambo? Impossible à tuer. Seul contre 400 000 Viet-Cong, c'est sûr que c'est lui qui gagne. Donne lui un arc pis 3-4 flèches et il te fait le ménage en Irak. En plus, quand il se blesse, il se désinfecte avec du feu. Do we get to win this time? This time it's up to you.

John Matrix

Moi aussi je serais en beau crisse si on me volait Alyssa Mylano. Je me suis longtemps demandé qui l'emporterait dans un combat entre John Matrix et John Rambo. Matrix lancerait un tuyau dans le ventre de Rambo, et ce dernier se désinfecterait avec du feu. Matrix dirait à Rambo qu'il lui a menti quand il lui a dit qu'il le tuerait le dernier, et Rambo continuerait de se désinfecter avec du feu. Ça serait foutument meilleur que Alien vs Predator en tout cas. Crache ta vapeur sale pourriture.

John McClane

John fucking McClane. Le gars le plus badass au monde, qui marche nu pied sur du verre brisé, qui tue des terroristes chaque jour, qui a toujours des supérieurs cons qui ne le comprennent pas, qui n'arrive pas à fêter Noël normalement et qui ne perd jamais son sens de l'humour. Maudit que c'est bon Die Hard. John McClane est le seul personnage qui m'a donné envie de commencer à fumer. Je suis fier de perdre mes cheveux comme lui.

Yipee kay yay motherfucker!

118 commentaires:

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Ben,

t'es mon idole et je t'aime.

Vaaze

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T'as oublié John Fairplay, probablement le pire salopard de l'histoire de Survivor. Sébastien Tremblay de Loft Story peut manger ses boxers de Louise Deschâtelets.

John Candy, fattest funny man à une certaine époque.

John Doe: magistral Kevin Spacey dans le rôle d'un psychopathe associal fou dans Seven.

Bon, c'est lundi et tu as nommé les meilleurs ! Surtout John Locke !

Ben a dit…

J'étais dans la fiction, alors ça élimine Fairplay et Candy. Et de toute façon, on s'entend que John Candy, yé zéro badass. Il se ferait bouffer par tous les autres, même par le petit Connor.

Y a John Doe que j'avais oublié par contre. Bon point Jacques, bon point.

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